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“Biotechnology has helped us develop medicines, clean up pollution, understand the causes of cancer and other diseases, dissolve blood clots after heart attacks, and make better beer and cheese.”

You have got to be kidding!  Did he really have to include beer and cheese????

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After a lengthy and empirical study out in the field, I’ve identified the main archetypes of what is A Nutella Lover. And they usually fall into one of these categories:

• The Spooner. This person uses a spoon, which not only is the most ergonomic utensil available, it’s also the most efficient in terms of excavating volume from the Nutella jar. This Nutella lover usually believes in a direct-to-mouth approach for the excavation.

• The Naturalist (aka using one’s Finger). Not only does this person not want anything between him and his Nutella, he truly believes eating it off the end of his finger brings him closer to Nutella-godliness. (Editor’s note: clean hand recommended.)

• The Lover Lover. Different from the Naturalist, this Nutella lover spreads Nutella onto body parts that are not his/her own.

• The Dipper / Dunker. This person avoids using pre-approved utensils to reach their Nutella for as long as possible, instead using pretzel sticks, breadsticks, and even fruit to dip, dip, dip away the Nutella through the jar opening until it becomes impossible to continue and they must change tactics.

• The Spreader. The weapon of choice is usually a knife, and the care which this person uses in spreading Nutella is tantamount to a religious experience, carefully covering all surface area and corners with creamy Nutella. Thickly or thinly spread? That’s their prerogative. Be sure not to interrupt them during the procedure as harm may befall you.

• The Stacker. This person stacks as much Nutella as possible onto the surface level available, trying to achieve as much height possible in proportion to the horizontal area of their chosen Nutella sidekick. The accompaniment is merely an afterthought and it’s Nutella which takes the main stage, though the cracker/bread/cookie is usually chosen for its strength and structural integrity at being able to bear a large load of Nutella.

• The Sandwicher (paninaiolo). Using a baguette or some simple white bread, this person prefers to lovingly surround Nutella with carbohydrates before surrendering to temptation, in the hopes the carbs will slow down further consumption of said elixir.

• The Chef (aka In Denial). This person has a high degree of self-imposed control and prefers not to eat Nutella in its natural form, but cooked or baked into other dishes. Not because they don’t like the taste of Nutella on its own, but because they like it too much and are afraid of themselves in the Spooner or Naturalist forms.